33

 

I’m 33 today!
On this day last year, I was going through my first miscarriage. It was devastating. My 32nd birthday propelled me into one of the darkest years of my life. I can’t even begin to describe the pain. The only people who seem to fathom the depths are those who have had the same experience. There are far too many of us too. I would go on to have another miscarriage a few months later. That one took me to the darkest place. In that place, I discovered there is beauty in darkness. I think of a diamond being refined; a brutal process before anyone notices its beauty or shine. In those dark moments, I met Jesus. I knew Him before but not on this level. This is a new relationship for me. I had to learn to trust Him again. I am still learning. In fact, it is a daily challenge.

In darkness, I learned to see people.

I remember walking through the grocery store, barely able to hold it together mentally. I was still physically going through the miscarriage. People passed by me, and I kept thinking no one could see how much pain I was in. I wondered how many times I passed by someone not knowing they were battling cancer, just lost their parent, has a sick child, going through a divorce, battling depression, trying not to take another drink, shoot another needle or take another pill. We walk by these people daily, but they are another face in the crowd. Sometimes not even a face at all.

In darkness, I learned it is okay to be vulnerable but not with everyone.

For one, everyone is not equipped for your journey. I learned to look around and recognize who my true army is.

In darkness, I learned not everyone wants to see you win.

I knew this before, but it was reiterated this year. I’m reminded of the quote by Maya Angelou, “when people show you who they are, believe them.” People will look like they have your best interest, but then something happens. You will know because there will be an inkling that something isn’t quite right with them. Then, they will do something or say something that completely baffles you. Do not try to figure it out, be thankful for the confirmation.

In darkness, I learned you have to be true to yourself and protect this.

People will criticize you for being who you are. Sometimes, the very thing people try to change in you or criticize you for is the very thing God wants to use. Also, comparison will creep in and make you question yourself. Don’t. Remain true to who God created you to be. You will never regret authenticity.

In darkness, I learned not to rush my healing.

The process hurts, and you want to numb it. The best thing to do is to face it and embrace not being okay. It is okay not to be okay.

I thank God as I entered 33, I have come out of my darkness with a vengeance for the meaningful things in life. I dance every morning because it makes me happy. When I hesitate to pray for something, I know it means I must pray about it. I focus on what makes me happy and what makes me feel good because all the rest is irrelevant.
Living my best life,
Ebby

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