James Brown’s hit song was titled, “It’s a Man’s Man’s World.” After hearing dating stories from single women, it seems to be an accepted declaration. Issues women deal with nowadays is mind-boggling. But, I get it. Why? I have been there. I’ve been “her” afraid to be herself because he may not like it. I’ve been “her” who dumb downed my spirituality to make him more comfortable (Thank you, Alex, for reminding me of this). I have been “her,” who despite how inferior he makes me feel (in fact, constantly question myself now), I keep him around because, at least, I’m not alone.
I interviewed single and married women of diverse backgrounds, ages, etc to craft the top 10 Common struggles of dating in 2015 and the top 10 qualities of husbands during the dating process. I wanted that single woman waiting for her husband to know she is not alone. Also, to provide a list of habits as a guide in recognizing the “real” thing.
Top Ten Struggles of Dating in 2015
1. Not Feeling Attractive Enough: You feel overweight, too dark, too skinny, too pale or to this, not enough that, and the list goes on. When you see women with a certain look getting the most attention from men, it is easy to believe you aren’t attractive enough.
2. Giving too much of yourself too soon: When you like him, you want to give him your all.
“It is difficult to find a balance between how much is too much, or how soon is too soon.” – C. Banks Fort Worth
3. Men don’t want to bring anything to the table nowadays: Women are constantly approached by men who have no car, no job, living with their mama, have multiple kids, multiple baby mamas, just plain baggage.
4. Men don’t want to work for you anymore (take you on a date, etc.): The famous line, “Netflix and Chill” comes to mind. There is a new dating rule. You go on a pre-date (Coffeehouse, park, somewhere that doesn’t allude to an actual date). I don’t know if it is a way of saying without saying, “I do not want to spend my money on you unless I think you’re attractive enough.” However, shouldn’t the pre-date be the conversation you had on the phone beforehand?
5. Men want to act like your boyfriend, without the title/commitment: He takes you out, is intimate with you, and perhaps, you even met his mama. However, he makes a point to remind you when you get too comfortable you’re just friends. And, he keep you from walking away by affirming the possibility of a relationship when HE believes you are both ready.
6. Men aren’t being honest about what they want (morals, values, or just flat out lying): You’re talking for weeks now. Things are great and the amazing conversation. However, the relationship begins to get serious and suddenly, he flips. “What happened to the man I’ve been dating for the last few weeks/months?”
7. Feeling the pressure to have sex: He claims he has to test it out to see if you two are physically compatible first. *insert side eye*
8. Once they get what they want, they change: He was so sweet; he told you, he could see this being long-term. You have sex. Immediately, his pattern changes. He used to call you every morning before work and now he barely picks up. And when you do hang out or talk, he is standoffish. You are probably thinking it’s just you right about now.
9. The only men interested are the ones you don’t like, and the ones you do like are not interested in you: He posses the qualities you want in a man. He’d make a great husband and father, but no matter how hard you try, you just don’t see him like that. Conversely, you love everything about him, you seem to be compatible in every way, but he hasn’t made a move and/or doesn’t seem interested in a relationship WITH YOU.
10. Just tired of being single: When will it be my turn?
“I see my peers getting married and having a family or they may just be dating or it’s the simply the fact I want those things and can’t have them because the time is not appointed yet.” – E. Green, Texas
Top 10 Behaviors and Qualities your Husband will Exhibit While Dating.
I asked married women who are in HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS (that’s important) what made their husband different and created a list of behaviors your husband will exhibit while dating. There were numerous qualities I had to leave out. Perhaps, a future blog post in the making.
1. You won’t have to guess how he feels about you: He will make his intentions known. You won’t doubt or question his desire for you.
“He pursued me and made it known that he wanted more than just a friendship with me.” – A. Willoughby, Maryland
2.When you argue, you will never feel it is the end: This was big for me. I remember every time I argued with a man, it was over soon after. With my husband, it never felt like that.
3. You won’t have to change who you are or feel you must work for his love: He will love you for you. There is nothing you can do (gain weight, get sick) that will change how he feels.
“He showed me what real love truly is, means and how it truly feels. Not what the world calls love, but the love God adds to a union truly ordained by Him.” – R. Doucet, Fort Worth, TX
4. You won’t feel ashamed of who you are and what you like (hobbies, quirks, family, friends, that extra toe on your right foot): He will appreciate and encourage ALL of you. He will tolerate what he doesn’t like. Most of all, you won’t have to dumb down your spirituality, your intelligence, and your accomplishments to make him comfortable. He will celebrate them.
5. He will boost your self-worth: Have you heard women contest, when they are around their man, they feel like the most beautiful woman in the world? You will feel beautiful on your worse day.
6. He will genuinely care about all of you (well-being, emotions, goals): He will be concerned about the internal parts of you too. You can share your deepest feelings and he will care even if it seems futile.
“When we would talk he would always ask, how I was. He would always ask how I was feeling, what’s on my mind… how this situation makes me feel?” – K. Feaster Maryland
7. He will respect your wishes to wait till marriage: No elaborations need on this one.
8. He will desire to take care of you in every way: Spiritually, financially, physically, and emotionally. Plain and simple.
“When dating, ask yourself is this relationship my BEST YES physically, financially, spiritually, emotionally?”- J. Flowers, Texas
9. His qualities and character will speak for themselves: You won’t have to make excuses for him. I’m reminded of the time when I was dating someone. I found myself boasting his good qualities, hoping no one paid attention to the poor ones.
10. It will be peaceful and natural: There will be arguments, disagreements, and hiccups, but it will be a healthy balance and not toxic.
“We shared the same sense of humor. By the end of the night (first date), we already had inside jokes. After the first date, we were inseparable. I knew by the end of the week, we would be long term.” – A. Dye, Texas
Woman to Woman, what we face when it comes to dating is our fault. Not all of it, but we must take responsibility for our part. Growing up, I heard the saying, “you have to teach a man how to treat you.” If we want men to change, we need to change. We, as women need to revert to being firm with what we want. If they are not willing to provide those needs and desire, we must be woman enough to walk away. Let’s go back to raising those standards.
With that being said, every married woman who contributed to this blog can attest there are still great men out there. When you meet him, you won’t remember or care about the ones who walked away. Women have more power then we give ourselves credit. James Brown proclaimed, “This is a man’s world.” However, he followed up with this, “But it wouldn’t be nothing, nothing without a woman.”
I hope this helps and feel free to comment below.
With much love,
P.S. I have received so much feedback from women on dating I have decided to break this up into multiple blog post. Subscribe if you liked to receive alerts on new post. Don’t forget to like my page on facebook : )
P.S.S. Thank you to all the women who contributed. I definitely couldn’t have written this without your input, Destiny Oribabhor (https://destinyiyere.wordpress.com/ ), Eunique Loggins, Kendra Feaster, Shaina Eden Thomas, AlexandraWilloughby, Jordan Flowers (http://www.fitbyjordan.blogspot.com/), Catrina Banks, Sherika Thomas, Jessica Bowers, Adrian Caston Dye, Rachel Doucet, Jessica Coleman, Jessica Brown, Tiffany Johnson, Queen Evans